My dissociation makes it extremely hard to connect to myself or the world around me. While I’ve heard that a lot of people experience their dissociation on and off, I on the other hand experience it 24/7. I wake up with it. I fall asleep with it. Sometimes my dreams feel more real than reality to me. I never fully stop dissociating, but there are some things that make it slightly less intense sometimes. One is the morning time, especially when I’m lying in bed and that little bit of morning sunshine is shining through the window and flickering on the wall in my bedroom. Focusing on that seems to help a little bit. Another thing is petting my cat, just focusing on this living thing while I pet her and her reacting with her purrs. My actions causing her reactions helps establish a connection between myself and outer stimuli. Feeling a soft, fuzzy blanket, while watching my hands and their movements as they feel the blanket also helps. That combination of grounding with both sight and touch is key.
The number one thing that helps decrease my dissociation is my boyfriend. He’s honestly the love of my life and I am so very blessed to have him. If I didn’t believe in soulmates before, I certainly do now. It’s as though we were made for each other. I can tell him anything. I have always had to try and hide my emotions as best I could in past relationships so as to not be overwhelming, and it affected me a lot. I had no one I could truly talk to about how I was feeling and saying one “wrong” thing could lead to boys not wanting to be with me. I’ve had a lot of past experiences with boys that were not great boyfriends and who didn’t treat me right. They weren’t there for me at all and I thought I would never find someone who would love me. I thought I was too broken to be loved.
Right at my darkest time, when I was struggling most, my boyfriend came into my life. We met at work and became friends, then best friends, quickly developing strong feelings for each other we were too scared to tell the other about. We both have our issues. He has had issues with social anxiety and he didn’t like people touching him. He’s quiet around most people and he never showed or felt a ton of emotions, nor was he a very affectionate person in past relationships. We’re the same in different ways. We’re both a little broken and that’s okay. Our broken pieces fit perfectly together and make us whole.
My boyfriend started to feel a wider range of emotions after we got together, and he is certainly the most affectionate boyfriend I have ever had. He says he’s never felt this level of comfort with someone, and neither have I. We have never felt able to be ourselves except with each other. When I met him he was adamant in the fact that he never wanted to get married or have children and now it is something we both look forward to in our future together.
As for the ways in which this man is perfect for me, there are too many to count. He is the most understanding person I have ever met. He is patient, he is kind, and he always makes sure I know just how very loved I am. I can talk to him about anything. Even the things that make me fear him leaving if I tell him. I tell him and brace for the worst and each time I am met with warmth and with love and the reassurance that he will never stop loving me and that everything will be okay. He is the only person that makes me truly believe that everything will actually be okay. I can tell him about my dissociation and even though he doesn’t completely understand, as it is something he hasn’t experienced, he is a huge support to me. He is there for me. He doesn’t try to tell me not to feel what I’m feeling. He just holds me and loves me through the tears, anxiety, and depression that my mental state brings. He is the most kind person I have ever met and I have never heard him raise his voice in the year we have lived together. As someone who can’t control their emotions and holds so much hurt, the people I love getting mad at me cuts deeper than any knife could. He has never gotten mad at me nor I at him. We hold differing opinions on several things but it has never once led to an argument. We love each other too much for it to even enter our minds to be cruel to each other. No matter how many times I ask him, because of my low self-esteem, if he is sure he loves me or if he is sure he wants me or how many times I tell him I’m scared that he will decide he doesn’t want me one day, he doesn’t get annoyed. He doesn’t get frustrated. He doesn’t tell me to stop asking him. He holds me and reassures me that he will never get tired of me and that his feelings will never go away. Every time.
Feeling the love for me that radiates from my boyfriend and the love I feel for him are the most I have been able to feel in years. That connection I feel with him is stronger than any other connection I can feel with another person and it decreases my dissociation more than anything else. Just holding his hand, looking into his eyes, playing with his hair, all of it brings me further back into reality. He makes me happier than I ever thought I could be while dealing with my dissociation. I might not be able to feel as much as most people or connect to most things because of my issues, but with him I get closer than I have been to reality in 10 years. It’s okay that I’m broken. He loves me just the same and I know he will love me all the way through my recovery and support me every step of the way.
Sad Bubbles 