Simple Things

     Taking the dog to the dog park. Going to the store to get that item you’ve been out of for a week. Applying for a new job so you hopefully don’t have to deal with as many people. Small things. Simple things. And yet, when you’re dissociating they can be so difficult. It’s really hard to care about anything or feel that anything matters when nothing feels real to you. Everything seems pointless. I want to get my degree in the only field of study that I feel any excitement about. But it’s so hard to push myself to pursue it. What’s the point? Because of my dissociation, I can’t focus, it makes my memory terrible so I can’t retain any of the information that is being taught, I can’t get up in front of the class to give presentations or else I could get severely overwhelmed and God forbid I start crying in front of everybody, and even if I get through all my classes on autopilot I will probably not be able to retain the information for future use in the field I wish to go into. It feels so hopeless. And that’s where a lot of depression comes into play for me. Everything feels so hopeless. What’s the point in anything when you’re just watching it happen and not really experiencing it? I’ve met two of my favorite bands but I don’t feel like I have. I’ve made several friends but they don’t know the real me. I don’t even know the real me. She was left in the past. She’s wandering around somewhere in 2008, lost and disconnected from myself. It’s like I’m an entirely different person. I just want to be that person again. I’m so tired. I just want to be myself again. I just want to feel.