Shame

I feel so ashamed and embarrassed at the moment. My boyfriend and I had been planning a mini vacation for a while. We both took 3 days off work, made arrangements for our pets, and got prepared to embark on our 4-hour drive. Then we got on the big roads. I’m from a small town and I currently live in a big city. My boyfriend is from a city so he feels perfectly comfortable on 6 lane roads while I do not, to say the very least. About an hour into our trip, maybe 30 minutes on the interstate, we were surrounded by massive semi trucks and cars zipping by us at upwards of 80 miles an hour, and the anxiety hit me so hard as I spiraled into a panic attack worse than I’ve had in over a year. My boyfriend got off the next exit and pulled into a parking lot. He pulled me close and told me it’s okay, trying to calm me down as I hyperventilated while tears kept streaming down my face. I couldn’t slow down my breathing, I couldn’t stop my crying, we were off the road but I couldn’t get myself under control. My boyfriend told me it’s okay and that we would have a staycation instead and have tons of fun. That I don’t need to feel bad, that it isn’t a big deal and that we can go somewhere some other time. He’s such a good boyfriend. I felt so ashamed of myself. I kept telling him I just want to be normal. That I hate myself. And most of all that I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I ruin everything. I’m sorry that I’m like this. I’m sorry that I can’t be better for him. He told me nothing is ruined and that he loves me – all of me – so, so much. I kept crying and he kept reiterating how much he loves me and that everything is okay. I know he really loves me. But it doesn’t take away the shame I feel. I feel like the worst girlfriend in the world. He is seriously such an amazing person. He never got mad at me even for one second or upset that we turned around and went home. He didn’t say I wasted our time or that it was silly of me to get worked up about something so small. He just loved me and was there for me. I wish I was able to give him as much as he gives to me but instead I feel like such a burden. I’m struggling so hard right now. I’m not sure why my anxiety seems to be getting so much worse. It scares me and I feel so angry at myself for these things I know I can’t control. I try to be upbeat but I’m just so anxious and depressed lately. We had a fun time on our staycation and did a lot of fun things together but I cant shake that feeling of disappointment in myself. It’s so hard to carry that around with me all day. I have to put on a happy face at work and pretend everything is okay when in reality I just want to curl up in my blankets and cry. I just want to be normal. I want to be able to go on a trip. I want to be able to not obsess over things that could possibly happen. I want to be able to do things that normal people get to do. I just want to be normal.