I’m so fucking hopeless. It hurts so bad. Everything hurts so bad. I just want to feel better. I don’t want to feel like I don’t know myself and my past. High school was weird, everyone thought I just didn’t talk. Nope. I just don’t know what to say because I am going through something only 2 percent of people have. You don’t understand. And I thank God you don’t.  It’s not wrong that you don’t understand. It’s not bad. You shouldn’t understand. But. It is also so very lonely to be someone who suffers with something that no one understands. I’ve never met one person who has what I have. I feel as though I have not one person in this world who understands.

Does anyone know if there are any support groups for people with DPDR? I’m feeling very hopeless and it feels as though I am completely alone in this. It feels like no one understands. I talk to my therapist but that’s 45 minutes a week and even then he doesn’t have dpdr and so while he understands it more than most people, he doesn’t understand to the extent that other individuals with dpdr would. I just don’t want to be alone. Please see this.

I feel so ashamed and embarrassed at the moment. My boyfriend and I had been planning a mini vacation for a while. We both took 3 days off work, made arrangements for our pets, and got prepared to embark on our 4-hour drive. Then we got on the big roads. I’m from a small town and I currently live in a big city. My boyfriend is from a city so he feels perfectly comfortable on 6 lane roads while I do not, to say the very least. About an hour into our trip, maybe 30 minutes on the interstate, we were surrounded by massive semi trucks and cars zipping by us at upwards of 80 miles an hour, and the anxiety hit me so hard as I spiraled into a panic attack worse than I’ve had in over a year. My boyfriend got off the next exit and pulled into a parking lot. He pulled me close and told me it’s okay, trying to calm me down as I hyperventilated while tears kept streaming down my face. I couldn’t slow down my breathing, I couldn’t stop my crying, we were off the road but I couldn’t get myself under control. My boyfriend told me it’s okay and that we would have a staycation instead and have tons of fun. That I don’t need to feel bad, that it isn’t a big deal and that we can go somewhere some other time. He’s such a good boyfriend. I felt so ashamed of myself. I kept telling him I just want to be normal. That I hate myself. And most of all that I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I ruin everything. I’m sorry that I’m like this. I’m sorry that I can’t be better for him. He told me nothing is ruined and that he loves me – all of me – so, so much. I kept crying and he kept reiterating how much he loves me and that everything is okay. I know he really loves me. But it doesn’t take away the shame I feel. I feel like the worst girlfriend in the world. He is seriously such an amazing person. He never got mad at me even for one second or upset that we turned around and went home. He didn’t say I wasted our time or that it was silly of me to get worked up about something so small. He just loved me and was there for me. I wish I was able to give him as much as he gives to me but instead I feel like such a burden. I’m struggling so hard right now. I’m not sure why my anxiety seems to be getting so much worse. It scares me and I feel so angry at myself for these things I know I can’t control. I try to be upbeat but I’m just so anxious and depressed lately. We had a fun time on our staycation and did a lot of fun things together but I cant shake that feeling of disappointment in myself. It’s so hard to carry that around with me all day. I have to put on a happy face at work and pretend everything is okay when in reality I just want to curl up in my blankets and cry. I just want to be normal. I want to be able to go on a trip. I want to be able to not obsess over things that could possibly happen. I want to be able to do things that normal people get to do. I just want to be normal.

My dissociation makes it extremely hard to connect to myself or the world around me. While I’ve heard that a lot of people experience their dissociation on and off, I on the other hand experience it 24/7. I wake up with it. I fall asleep with it. Sometimes my dreams feel more real than reality to me. I never fully stop dissociating, but there are some things that make it slightly less intense sometimes. One is the morning time, especially when I’m lying in bed and that little bit of morning sunshine is shining through the window and flickering on the wall in my bedroom. Focusing on that seems to help a little bit. Another thing is petting my cat, just focusing on this living thing while I pet her and her reacting with her purrs. My actions causing her reactions helps establish a connection between myself and outer stimuli. Feeling a soft, fuzzy blanket, while watching my hands and their movements as they feel the blanket also helps. That combination of grounding with both sight and touch is key.

     The number one thing that helps decrease my dissociation is my boyfriend. He’s honestly the love of my life and I am so very blessed to have him. If I didn’t believe in soulmates before, I certainly do now. It’s as though we were made for each other. I can tell him anything. I have always had to try and hide my emotions as best I could in past relationships so as to not be overwhelming, and it affected me a lot. I had no one I could truly talk to about how I was feeling and saying one “wrong” thing could lead to boys not wanting to be with me. I’ve had a lot of past experiences with boys that were not great boyfriends and who didn’t treat me right. They weren’t there for me at all and I thought I would never find someone who would love me. I thought I was too broken to be loved.
     Right at my darkest time, when I was struggling most, my boyfriend came into my life. We met at work and became friends, then best friends, quickly developing strong feelings for each other we were too scared to tell the other about. We both have our issues. He has had issues with social anxiety and he didn’t like people touching him. He’s quiet around most people and he never showed or felt a ton of emotions, nor was he a very affectionate person in past relationships. We’re the same in different ways. We’re both a little broken and that’s okay. Our broken pieces fit perfectly together and make us whole.
     My boyfriend started to feel a wider range of emotions after we got together, and he is certainly the most affectionate boyfriend I have ever had. He says he’s never felt this level of comfort with someone, and neither have I. We have never felt able to be ourselves except with each other. When I met him he was adamant in the fact that he never wanted to get married or have children and now it is something we both look forward to in our future together.
     As for the ways in which this man is perfect for me, there are too many to count. He is the most understanding person I have ever met. He is patient, he is kind, and he always makes sure I know just how very loved I am. I can talk to him about anything. Even the things that make me fear him leaving if I tell him. I tell him and brace for the worst and each time I am met with warmth and with love and the reassurance that he will never stop loving me and that everything will be okay. He is the only person that makes me truly believe that everything will actually be okay. I can tell him about my dissociation and even though he doesn’t completely understand, as it is something he hasn’t experienced, he is a huge support to me. He is there for me. He doesn’t try to tell me not to feel what I’m feeling. He just holds me and loves me through the tears, anxiety, and depression that my mental state brings. He is the most kind person I have ever met and I have never heard him raise his voice in the year we have lived together. As someone who can’t control their emotions and holds so much hurt, the people I love getting mad at me cuts deeper than any knife could. He has never gotten mad at me nor I at him. We hold differing opinions on several things but it has never once led to an argument. We love each other too much for it to even enter our minds to be cruel to each other. No matter how many times I ask him, because of my low self-esteem, if he is sure he loves me or if he is sure he wants me or how many times I tell him I’m scared that he will decide he doesn’t want me one day, he doesn’t get annoyed. He doesn’t get frustrated. He doesn’t tell me to stop asking him. He holds me and reassures me that he will never get tired of me and that his feelings will never go away. Every time. 
     Feeling the love for me that radiates from my boyfriend and the love I feel for him are the most I have been able to feel in years. That connection I feel with him is stronger than any other connection I can feel with another person and it decreases my dissociation more than anything else. Just holding his hand, looking into his eyes, playing with his hair, all of it brings me further back into reality. He makes me happier than I ever thought I could be while dealing with my dissociation. I might not be able to feel as much as most people or connect to most things because of my issues, but with him I get closer than I have been to reality in 10 years. It’s okay that I’m broken. He loves me just the same and I know he will love me all the way through my recovery and support me every step of the way.

     Taking the dog to the dog park. Going to the store to get that item you’ve been out of for a week. Applying for a new job so you hopefully don’t have to deal with as many people. Small things. Simple things. And yet, when you’re dissociating they can be so difficult. It’s really hard to care about anything or feel that anything matters when nothing feels real to you. Everything seems pointless. I want to get my degree in the only field of study that I feel any excitement about. But it’s so hard to push myself to pursue it. What’s the point? Because of my dissociation, I can’t focus, it makes my memory terrible so I can’t retain any of the information that is being taught, I can’t get up in front of the class to give presentations or else I could get severely overwhelmed and God forbid I start crying in front of everybody, and even if I get through all my classes on autopilot I will probably not be able to retain the information for future use in the field I wish to go into. It feels so hopeless. And that’s where a lot of depression comes into play for me. Everything feels so hopeless. What’s the point in anything when you’re just watching it happen and not really experiencing it? I’ve met two of my favorite bands but I don’t feel like I have. I’ve made several friends but they don’t know the real me. I don’t even know the real me. She was left in the past. She’s wandering around somewhere in 2008, lost and disconnected from myself. It’s like I’m an entirely different person. I just want to be that person again. I’m so tired. I just want to be myself again. I just want to feel.

     Hi everybody and welcome to my blog! I started this blog to share my journey with others who may be experiencing the same things I’m going through and also to help myself to process and heal. If you also suffer from depersonalization and/or derealization disorder or dissociation, I hope this blog helps you to realize that you are not alone (trust me, I know all too well that it can certainly feel like it!).

     I’ve recently started going to therapy and it really does seem to help. I’ve learned that writing things down really seems to help me, as I tend to process better by myself. I need my therapist as well, however, to guide me along this journey back to the real world and to provide me with the tools I need to get there. This being the case, I will continue on this path to recovery by writing and attending therapy regularly. Please do not be ashamed or scared to get mental help. Where I come from, people don’t really get help for their mental health issues and it was really hard for me to overcome the fear and the misconceptions I held about seeking psychological help. It has been over 10 years that I have been suffering with this condition and let me tell you, it feels so good to finally be able to express the way I am feeling to someone who actually understands it.

      If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to ask!